Change

Hey Girls, No one was wrote since 2014 and it's now 2017...we suck. I have decided to do an experiment to see who checks this still. I have the winds of change on my horizon and I never like it, although I am excited. Tomorrow is my last day working for Wise company as I have found another job at Flik Hospitality Services that will be downtown and working side by side with Goldman Sacs employees & their clients. I am super stoked for the pay raise, the growth potential and not having to plan my outfit each day. (I have a professional uniform) Even with this change I am still nervous. I don't know why because I know I can do this job in my sleep. Fears are getting the best of me. And you shouldn't let fear do that until your face to face because otherwise your wasting emotions. On the other side of fear is excitement. I gotta remember that and don't let my anxiety the best of me. This weekend I'm heading down to Lake Havasu to see Chase's parents 2nd jet ski race they are putting on. It'll be 90, i'll get some much needed sun and fun! I'm ready to be a beach bum...only prob is I started my period today. Probably why I have decided to open my air tight sealed bottle of emotions and type it all out onto here...where someone will probably not read it. I'm ranting. Alls good. Just needed to vent. Love you girls and miss you.. J

Christmas Spirit

It couldn't let me copy and paste so I'm posting in pictures of my notes on my phone. 

Best friends

Do you know what I just realized?!

We are all best friends and yet we all don't have friendship bracelets with each other all together. Let's get some! 

I found cute ones here that can be engraved but are expensive lol 

http://www.monicavinader.com/us/fiji-friendship-bracelet/gold-fiji-friendship-bracelet-black-energy/options

Time Flies

So I was reading Jessie's last post from July 1st and realized I haven't written anything on this blog for what seemed like forever. To be sure, I looked back and saw that the last time I wrote anything was in August....uh......oops? I also realized that I rarely see any of you and so this blog is so fun but I guess it's only fair that I participate and write about me. That's the thing, I hate writing about myself. I feel like my life is so boring and I have nothing to contribute so I just avoid it. I even have my own blog that I wish I wrote in more but sadly I'm no good at writing in that as well. I just need to do more fun things so that I feel like I have a purpose for writing that is exciting and interesting rather than my day to day routine. Ok now I'm just rambling and avoiding the real reason of starting this post...an update.

My life. Ok so being graduated from college was fun for a time but now I'm getting the itch to go back. I don't know if that I feel like my life doesn't have purpose/meaning if I'm not busy with school or if I feel like I'm wanting to do more. It also could be that my whole life has been school; ages 5-23. That's what 18 years straight of school. It just feels like something is missing. So, I've been considering going to grad school. Am I crazy or what? I'm thinking about going into either Recreational Therapy or School Psychology. Now the next question I always get....What are those? 

So at my old job, the one I had right after I graduated that was a residential treatment center, everyday the girls wen to what's called Recreational Therapy. It's an different kind of therapy in that they aren't just sitting talking to a therapist but rather they are put in situations with other people and have to work to accomplish the task. For example, get the whole group through this hanging hula hoop to the other side without any person touching it. As a staff, I got to participate in the tasks as well and let me tell you, they were so hard! So many issues with yourself and with relationships come out when put in these type of situations. I had to put my complete trust in these girls who I didn't always know that well and some I really didn't care for. It was amazing how much I learned about myself and the importance of relationships. You can fake liking someone or ace like their best friend, but when put in situations that require trust, true feelings come out. I sometimes hated participating because of that. MY issues came out when I wasn't even the one in treatment. But at the same time, I loved it because it made me aware of things in my life that needed fixing. But overall, the time during these "therapy sessions" were amazing and it was amazing to see change and improvements in myself and the girls. They also made me interested in becoming a Recreational Therapist and work with people struggling with mental illnesses.

So School Psychology is similar but quite different from Recreational Therapy. A school psychologist works in schools to help kids who are really struggling to be successful in school--mentally and socially. They work a lot with kids who have autism to help teachers/administration/parents know what the child needs to be successful. 

My plan is to apply for both programs and hope that one of them works out. So my plan for the rest of summer and this coming Fall is to work on studying for the GRE (like the ACT for grad school) and getting applications done. Super fun right??

So while I'm working on the applications and stuff, I'm also working full time for a company called Apex Fun Run. It's a leadership program that involves fitness and fundraising in Elementary schools. So basically, we go into schools and help them organize a Fun Run where the kids get pledges for every lap that they run to raise money and while we're there for the two weeks, we go into classes and teach leadership lessons to help the kids learn about how to be good leaders. We teach lessons like having a positive attitude and helping others and working together, etc. It's super fun and so rewarding and I really do love it but I can't see me doing this forever. (I think I would die from repetition.) But for now it's super fun and I really do love it! For the summer though, I'm working at the Smoot's daycare in Bountiful--glamorous job I know. It's really nothing impressive but it's been fun. I just love kids I guess.

So I've been living in Cottonwood Heights but I have to move out at the end of this month cause our lease is up and we're being kicked out. (No, we're not bad tenants, my landlord just wants a family to move in our house because there has been so much turnover with single girls moving in and out.) I'm going to be moving to Sugarhouse and live with some friends from BYU. I'm super excited for a change! Cottonwood Heights definitely wasn't what I expected but it was a learning experience for me. I struggled a lot at first being motivated to do anything, meet anyone or do anything worthwhile. I actually cried myself to sleep a lot of nights just sad about everything. I decided in the midst of my self deprecating pity party that this was a time for me to concentrate on ME and bettering myself. I felt like I hadn't done things for me. I started working out more, I read my scriptures more consistently, I kept my room clean(er) and I kept myself busy doing things that made me happy so that I didn't have time to feel bad for myself and be sad. It was amazing the change that I saw in my life and how much happier I was. Life wasn't perfect but it was so much better. Such an amazing learning experience. 

When I was reading Jessie's last post, I loved the part about Declarations. It reminded me again of my treatment center job. There was one girl who had a daily declaration sheet. She struggled a lot with loving herself inside and out. She had I think 4 or 5 phrases that she said to herself everyday in the mirror about loving herself and that she was beautiful. She actually hated saying them at first but then all the girls would say them with her and she started believing them. The change in her was amazing. It didn't mean she was totally healed of her negative thoughts but she started seeing herself for who she was and the amazing person she had the potential of becoming. So Declarations are amazing! Do it! I'm going to start too!

I think that's all. Sorry for the long post. If you made it this far, I'm sorry. I'll try to post more so that when I do post, it's not so long. Love you all! Keep in touch!

-Becca

My response to Emi's post + an update from me (Jessie)

I agree that cookie dough is better than cookies.

Jo said "There's never any judgement in the girls club, only love and support." I agree and hope you all feel the same. We all need somewhere to vent and cry and celebrate and ask for help and I think this blog is a perfect place for that. I think having known each other since we were kids gives us a rare relationship. We get each other in ways, even if we don't know some of the most important things going on in each other's life.

My mom has been doing Recovery for a few years now and it has completely changed the way my family (those of us who are open to it) talks about anxiety. It's been a huge blessing in my life. My mom is so wise and loving and she is always learning and growing to new levels. I hope all of you feel comfortable reaching out to her when you need advice/a listening ear. She's a good'n.

The mental health tools that Recovery teaches are awesome. I'm so glad to hear you've been going Emi! Dave has a lot of anxiety (mostly social, but a good deal of personal/mental anxiety too) and being with him has taught me a lot about myself and my own anxieties. I do believe that almost every person has some form of anxiety, some much more life-altering than others. Coming to peace with ourselves (our own worst enemy) is one of life's purposes, I believe. Loving ourselves allows us to love our neighbors. Can you imagine giving Jesus a compliment and him saying "Nah I'm not that fit, I feel really fat actually." Hah. That's funny. I think Jesus ultimately loved himself so much that he could spend all his energy on spreading love to others. So cool.

Emi, you are brave and strong. I am so proud of you and the life you are building for yourself. Do what it takes to be happy and healthy. I can't have jobs very well either - it makes me really depressed to have a schedule I HAVE to follow. I think we all need to ignore everybody else and recognize that there is no one way to live this life. We are all SO different -- based on personality, family, life-changing experiences, etc -- that of course we all take different paths to happiness. You are strong, Emi, even if sharing your name with the class makes your hands sweat.

I've been thinking about the Young Women's ...dang. What do you call it? Theme? We are daughters of our Heavenly Father who loves us, and we love him. We will stand as witnesses of God at all times, in all things, and in all places, as we strive to live the young women values, which are: Faith, Divine Nature, Individual Worth, Knowledge, Choice and Accountability, Good Works, and Integrity. We believe as we come to accept and act upon these values, we will be prepared to strengthen home and family, make and keep sacred covenants, receive the ordinances of the temple, and enjoy the blessings of exhaltation. Is that right? That was fun trying to remember. Anyways, I've been thinking about this, how we used to say it every week. This isn't that good of an example because it is so generic, but I think we all need little chants that we say to ourselves in the morning (and afternoon and evening) that give us strength and confidence. My mom calls them Declarations. You declare things about yourself and say them (even yell them) every day until you really believe that they are true. The other day I was staring at myself in the mirror having an emotional breakdown (about what? Who can ever remember. Just everything. You know?) and I stood up tall and said "You are a beautiful, strong woman who is grounded and wise." I couldn't actually finish the sentence out loud very well because I was crying and my depressed feelings tried hard to smush the sentence, but I realized, staring at myself in the mirror with red puffy eyes and a big belly, that I am beautiful, strong, grounded, and wise. I just have highs and lows from day to day. I thought about my Mom and her first pregnancy, and my grandma, and her mom, and I realized how much we as women go through in this life. We are amazing. I’d like to work on my Declarations. My mom advises to have 5 or 6 sentences that you say about yourself and memorize them. Say them every day until you really truly believe it. I'm going to work on my Declarations and I'll post them here when I've solidified them. I'll do my best to say them to myself every day and I'll let you know what it does for me :)

I love you all. Thank you guys for coming to our shin-dig the other day. It means a lot that you'd come out. It was an overwhelming evening, but I felt so loved and supported. I didn't even cry the whole night. Most days the smallest things will make me teary eyed (at least). I’m sorry I couldn’t spend more time with you guys. Being a host is exhausting. 

I guess I'll transition this into talking a bit about where I'm at. I'm feeling good. I'm due 3 weeks from today (Monday July 1st) and it blows my mind. I can't believe it is July already. Time flies. Always. I think about when I found out I was pregnant. I calculated the due date and thought woah, July? I can’t even imagine July - it’s so far from now. And now it’s July and I can’t even believe it. 

I feel good. Pregnancy is a daily battle of confidence, health, and facing fears, but I’ve learned so much from the last 9 months. I’m excited for all of you to experience it. Crystal: Thanks for all your advice over the last couple weeks. It’s so nice to hear your experiences. Your tiny son will love you so much. You deserve a little testosterone, having raised a family of women your whole life. I love your photos (post more on here! We won’t get tired of them!) and I hope you’re loving the whole deal. I call for an update! :) 

Dave and I are solid. He’s a wonderful partner and teammate. I have to work on my own independence, it’s easy for me to just want to spend all my time with him and help him with everything he’s doing. But it’s important for us both to have alone time. He really is my best friend and I’m so grateful I found him. We are broke as broke can be, but we’ll be okay. Running the Photo Collective is exhausting. Rent for that space is $5500 a month, not to mention utilities and our own rent at home. We are always behind on rent, but luckily the collective’s landlord likes us and lets us be behind. It’s so stressful, trying to earn that much every month just to throw at rent, but it’s the game we have to play I guess. We talk about walking away from it all, Dave could earn plenty of money as a photographer and not have to give any to the collective, but we have decided to really work hard for the next year and if next July comes around and we are still struggling this hard, we will close the doors and move on. We both know we could put a lot into it so we hope by this time next year we are able to earn and save money from it instead of being a month behind on rent all the time. Here’s hoping! 

I’m excited to have this baby. We are doing a home birth and I’m so excited. It’s pretty awesome. We’ll just be doing our thing from day to day then one day I’ll start getting labor pains and I’ll just go on walks, clean my house, maybe do some weird organizing things at home, whatever, until I really go into heavy labor. My midwife will come to my house and she’ll help me through the labor. I’ll be free to move around and try any position to help with the pain. Then with enough sweat and tears the babe will come, the midwife will make sure it’s healthy and well, then they’ll clean everything up and leave us to be at home with our new friend. I feel so peaceful about it all. Last night I had dreams about labor - the first night I’ve dreamt of labor - and it was peaceful and right. I know it will be the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I’ll feel like I’m going to die, but I can’t wait. 

Dave just turned 29. I’m turning 25 in a little bit. I feel good about our ages. We feel good about the transition from early twenties to late twenties/early thirties. I’m ready to grow into this new chapter of motherhood, though I’m sure I will miss many things about the last phase (the last 6 or 7 years). I can’t believe it has been 7 years since I graduated from High School! On with the next 7 years! 

Okay now I’m just rambling. I’d love to hear updates from all of you. Sorry I’m bad at texting and snap-chatting. I honestly just don’t spend that much time on my phone. I get depressed/anxious when I check my phone too much, so I don’t even have notifications for snapchat or Facebook or instagram turned on. That way it’s only when I open the app that I see notifications. I feel good about choosing when to see these things rather than being buzzed at any time. I just can’t handle the interruption - it distracts my brain so entirely. I think smartphones/social media is why so many of us have ADD and anxiety and depression. But anyways, this is all to say, sorry I’m bad at keeping in touch on a normal level. It’s just how I am. 

I love you all. Thanks for helping me become who I am. Happy July! OH that reminds me! My grandpa Garrett is leading the Centerville 4th of July parade (he’s the oldest Veteran in Centerville (95!) so he gets to be the “Grand Marshall.” He’s so excited!), so I’ll be there cheering him on with a bunch of my extended family. I guess we are going to be sitting in front of the Jr High, so if any of you are going to the parade I’d love to see you! 

Hugs and Kisses and /// and etc. I love you. 

Jessie

David John Brewer, looking a bit tired and wearing my hat.

Our first baby gift in the mail! He was so excited to open it.

My midwife measuring my belly.

Cutest saggy underwear. He didn't notice me tying this around him (we was texting).

We try to escape to the mountain at least once a week. It's such a good refresher.

There's a basketball in my belly.

He's just so sweet. I love him.

My really awesome brain

Hey bffs, how's it going? So I'm here to talk a little bit about what is going on with me. I've been home for a few months now and I have to say it's been a blessing. I was able to go to Tyler's college graduation which really meant a lot to me and I'm sure it meant a lot to him too. I've just been able to be there more for my family and even though it's heartbreaking to be away from McKay, I have loved my time here so far. I've never felt so needed by my family. I'm the type of girl who always tries to fly under the radar (as my therapist says) and that's how it's always been ever since I was a kid. I never got in trouble or did "bad" things because I didn't want to be noticed or have negative attention on me. But since I've been home my family has told me a lot how glad they are to have me back and how much they've missed me. Even you guys have said that to me and it makes me so happy and feel needed, so thank you. 

I've been going to therapy for about 5 weeks now. I'm SO glad I decided to do it. I've been wanting to go for over a year, but I've always been scared of what my parents would say or think. I didn't really tell them I was struggling last year. Again, flying under the radar. But a couple months ago I had a huge melt down and my parents were really supportive and even suggested that I talk to a therapist. I think you all know that my dad has depression so for the first time that was a comfort to me to know that he knew what I was going through. It took me a good month or so to get the courage to even email her, but I'm happy I did. 

I've also been going to Recovery at the Centerville library that Judy conducts and she also holds a sort of LDS version of recovery every week at her house too. It's helped me a lot in what it means to use the gospel in my life. The biggest thing I'm learning/struggling with is loving myself the way God loves me. And not only myself but loving others around me (friends, family, stupid drivers, EVERYONE) the way God loves them. 

So "what's """wrong""" with me?" -- that's a good question! I haven't really known until I started going to therapy. I have anxiety and a bit of depression. I say "a bit" because I see my dad as having it full blown and I know I'm not there on his level. I have really mean voices in my head that tell me I'm stupid, fat, ugly, worthless (that one's a big one), etc. over and over again and some days it's quiet, but other days it's like they're full on screaming in my brain. That usually makes me crawl up in a ball and stay in bed and cry/sleep/do nothing for hours. I have anxiety which keeps me up half the night--my mind is constantly racing and worried and stressed and nervous. I have social anxiety so in certain social situations I get really panicky and shut down. If you've ever seen me in a group setting and I don't say a single word, that's probably why. It's the major reason why I'm not going to the first half of church right now. I've noticed that even having to say my name when we're going around the room introducing ourselves in a class makes my heart race and palms sweaty and I get really shaky and nervous. It's crazy, but it's so automatic. It's also the reason why I don't have a job/ haven't had a lot of jobs.

**Here is a typical situation when I try to apply for jobs: I'll go to the area where the job is, drive around for a few minutes (at this point my heart starts beating really fast and usually I'll go home and try another day) and if I do get enough courage, I'll park the car and force myself to get out. I'll walk in (then sometimes at this point I'll pretend I'm a customer, look around then leave) and go straight to the desk and ask for an application (heart pounding, mind racing, body sweating and/or shaking).  After that I'll go home and feel exhausted. BUT it's not over yet. I'll sit down to fill out the application (name, address, phone, easy) and the farther I get into filling it out the more anxious and sad I get (This is when my depression voices kick in "They're going to think I'm an idiot. Why would they hire me? I'm not good enough for the job. Who do you think you are trying to apply for this job anyway? I'm a complete fraud etc.) Are you exhausted reading this yet? Then it's another battle to even go back and turn it in. There have been so many half filled job applications in my trash can, it's quite silly. So don't think I'm simply too lazy to get a job. It's a huge struggle for me to even apply. BUT when I do get an interview or the actual job, I'm fine. I actually perform really well in my jobs even if it is in a social setting.**

This last therapy session that I had, I learned that I get panic attacks. I've never quite known what they were or if I had them, but now that I look back through my life I can label them as something real. Therapy is nice because I get labeled which sounds strange, but I finally know what's "wrong" with me and what things that I'm feeling are called. YOU MEAN THEY HAVE ACTUAL NAMES?! HOW AWESOME! FINALLY. 

Anyway, there's a lot more to it and if I tried to explain it all it would take days, but in a huge nutshell that is some of what I'm going through. I'm also talking out a lot stuff from my childhood that I've experienced and how it's affecting me now as an adult. Recovery is helping me deal with things that happen to me with other people (if someone offends me or makes me mad or really sad) and the LDS recovery thing is helping me think more positively and giving me hope.

I'm not writing this to get pity or have you girls feel bad for me. I just want you to know what's going on and what I'm doing with my life right now. I know it'll be a lifelong struggle to get over these things and maybe someday I will feel complete peace with myself, but for now I'm working on it and I feel good doing it. London was a wonderful break from life and a great distraction, but now that I'm back in the "real world" I've learned that I need to take care of this now while I'm here. I spend my days going to the library, going to stores, spending time with my parents or friends, skyping McKay, traveling, baking, and going to my sister in law's house to play with her kids. Basically different distractions to help my mind to not go into a downward spiral. It's great! I've had a great couple of weeks. 

Lastly, I want to let you all know how much you mean to me. YOU MATTER TO ME. I am so thankful to have you girls as my friends and that I can feel safe sharing this with you. Not a lot of people know what I'm going through (not even my own brother) and it feels so good to be honest with you. AHHHHH we can take a breath now. I love you so much individually. You each have a special place in my heart forever. I love you.

Fewf, if you read this far say 'cookies are awesome' in the comments below so I know you made it.

2006?

Found this lovely gem. YW award ceremonies for when we got our YW medallion.