My response to Emi's post + an update from me (Jessie)

I agree that cookie dough is better than cookies.

Jo said "There's never any judgement in the girls club, only love and support." I agree and hope you all feel the same. We all need somewhere to vent and cry and celebrate and ask for help and I think this blog is a perfect place for that. I think having known each other since we were kids gives us a rare relationship. We get each other in ways, even if we don't know some of the most important things going on in each other's life.

My mom has been doing Recovery for a few years now and it has completely changed the way my family (those of us who are open to it) talks about anxiety. It's been a huge blessing in my life. My mom is so wise and loving and she is always learning and growing to new levels. I hope all of you feel comfortable reaching out to her when you need advice/a listening ear. She's a good'n.

The mental health tools that Recovery teaches are awesome. I'm so glad to hear you've been going Emi! Dave has a lot of anxiety (mostly social, but a good deal of personal/mental anxiety too) and being with him has taught me a lot about myself and my own anxieties. I do believe that almost every person has some form of anxiety, some much more life-altering than others. Coming to peace with ourselves (our own worst enemy) is one of life's purposes, I believe. Loving ourselves allows us to love our neighbors. Can you imagine giving Jesus a compliment and him saying "Nah I'm not that fit, I feel really fat actually." Hah. That's funny. I think Jesus ultimately loved himself so much that he could spend all his energy on spreading love to others. So cool.

Emi, you are brave and strong. I am so proud of you and the life you are building for yourself. Do what it takes to be happy and healthy. I can't have jobs very well either - it makes me really depressed to have a schedule I HAVE to follow. I think we all need to ignore everybody else and recognize that there is no one way to live this life. We are all SO different -- based on personality, family, life-changing experiences, etc -- that of course we all take different paths to happiness. You are strong, Emi, even if sharing your name with the class makes your hands sweat.

I've been thinking about the Young Women's ...dang. What do you call it? Theme? We are daughters of our Heavenly Father who loves us, and we love him. We will stand as witnesses of God at all times, in all things, and in all places, as we strive to live the young women values, which are: Faith, Divine Nature, Individual Worth, Knowledge, Choice and Accountability, Good Works, and Integrity. We believe as we come to accept and act upon these values, we will be prepared to strengthen home and family, make and keep sacred covenants, receive the ordinances of the temple, and enjoy the blessings of exhaltation. Is that right? That was fun trying to remember. Anyways, I've been thinking about this, how we used to say it every week. This isn't that good of an example because it is so generic, but I think we all need little chants that we say to ourselves in the morning (and afternoon and evening) that give us strength and confidence. My mom calls them Declarations. You declare things about yourself and say them (even yell them) every day until you really believe that they are true. The other day I was staring at myself in the mirror having an emotional breakdown (about what? Who can ever remember. Just everything. You know?) and I stood up tall and said "You are a beautiful, strong woman who is grounded and wise." I couldn't actually finish the sentence out loud very well because I was crying and my depressed feelings tried hard to smush the sentence, but I realized, staring at myself in the mirror with red puffy eyes and a big belly, that I am beautiful, strong, grounded, and wise. I just have highs and lows from day to day. I thought about my Mom and her first pregnancy, and my grandma, and her mom, and I realized how much we as women go through in this life. We are amazing. I’d like to work on my Declarations. My mom advises to have 5 or 6 sentences that you say about yourself and memorize them. Say them every day until you really truly believe it. I'm going to work on my Declarations and I'll post them here when I've solidified them. I'll do my best to say them to myself every day and I'll let you know what it does for me :)

I love you all. Thank you guys for coming to our shin-dig the other day. It means a lot that you'd come out. It was an overwhelming evening, but I felt so loved and supported. I didn't even cry the whole night. Most days the smallest things will make me teary eyed (at least). I’m sorry I couldn’t spend more time with you guys. Being a host is exhausting. 

I guess I'll transition this into talking a bit about where I'm at. I'm feeling good. I'm due 3 weeks from today (Monday July 1st) and it blows my mind. I can't believe it is July already. Time flies. Always. I think about when I found out I was pregnant. I calculated the due date and thought woah, July? I can’t even imagine July - it’s so far from now. And now it’s July and I can’t even believe it. 

I feel good. Pregnancy is a daily battle of confidence, health, and facing fears, but I’ve learned so much from the last 9 months. I’m excited for all of you to experience it. Crystal: Thanks for all your advice over the last couple weeks. It’s so nice to hear your experiences. Your tiny son will love you so much. You deserve a little testosterone, having raised a family of women your whole life. I love your photos (post more on here! We won’t get tired of them!) and I hope you’re loving the whole deal. I call for an update! :) 

Dave and I are solid. He’s a wonderful partner and teammate. I have to work on my own independence, it’s easy for me to just want to spend all my time with him and help him with everything he’s doing. But it’s important for us both to have alone time. He really is my best friend and I’m so grateful I found him. We are broke as broke can be, but we’ll be okay. Running the Photo Collective is exhausting. Rent for that space is $5500 a month, not to mention utilities and our own rent at home. We are always behind on rent, but luckily the collective’s landlord likes us and lets us be behind. It’s so stressful, trying to earn that much every month just to throw at rent, but it’s the game we have to play I guess. We talk about walking away from it all, Dave could earn plenty of money as a photographer and not have to give any to the collective, but we have decided to really work hard for the next year and if next July comes around and we are still struggling this hard, we will close the doors and move on. We both know we could put a lot into it so we hope by this time next year we are able to earn and save money from it instead of being a month behind on rent all the time. Here’s hoping! 

I’m excited to have this baby. We are doing a home birth and I’m so excited. It’s pretty awesome. We’ll just be doing our thing from day to day then one day I’ll start getting labor pains and I’ll just go on walks, clean my house, maybe do some weird organizing things at home, whatever, until I really go into heavy labor. My midwife will come to my house and she’ll help me through the labor. I’ll be free to move around and try any position to help with the pain. Then with enough sweat and tears the babe will come, the midwife will make sure it’s healthy and well, then they’ll clean everything up and leave us to be at home with our new friend. I feel so peaceful about it all. Last night I had dreams about labor - the first night I’ve dreamt of labor - and it was peaceful and right. I know it will be the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I’ll feel like I’m going to die, but I can’t wait. 

Dave just turned 29. I’m turning 25 in a little bit. I feel good about our ages. We feel good about the transition from early twenties to late twenties/early thirties. I’m ready to grow into this new chapter of motherhood, though I’m sure I will miss many things about the last phase (the last 6 or 7 years). I can’t believe it has been 7 years since I graduated from High School! On with the next 7 years! 

Okay now I’m just rambling. I’d love to hear updates from all of you. Sorry I’m bad at texting and snap-chatting. I honestly just don’t spend that much time on my phone. I get depressed/anxious when I check my phone too much, so I don’t even have notifications for snapchat or Facebook or instagram turned on. That way it’s only when I open the app that I see notifications. I feel good about choosing when to see these things rather than being buzzed at any time. I just can’t handle the interruption - it distracts my brain so entirely. I think smartphones/social media is why so many of us have ADD and anxiety and depression. But anyways, this is all to say, sorry I’m bad at keeping in touch on a normal level. It’s just how I am. 

I love you all. Thanks for helping me become who I am. Happy July! OH that reminds me! My grandpa Garrett is leading the Centerville 4th of July parade (he’s the oldest Veteran in Centerville (95!) so he gets to be the “Grand Marshall.” He’s so excited!), so I’ll be there cheering him on with a bunch of my extended family. I guess we are going to be sitting in front of the Jr High, so if any of you are going to the parade I’d love to see you! 

Hugs and Kisses and /// and etc. I love you. 

Jessie

David John Brewer, looking a bit tired and wearing my hat.

Our first baby gift in the mail! He was so excited to open it.

My midwife measuring my belly.

Cutest saggy underwear. He didn't notice me tying this around him (we was texting).

We try to escape to the mountain at least once a week. It's such a good refresher.

There's a basketball in my belly.

He's just so sweet. I love him.