London, I love you.

There's been so much going on in my life lately. It still seems surreal to me being here and paying with weird money and hearing a million accents, smelling all these new and weird smells. I love London. It's been a crazy blessing being here as I have found things out about myself that I never would have if I had stayed in Utah. I want to share with you what I've been going through and even though it's not the prettiest picture, hardly anyone knows about my life and I want you, the people I am close to, to know me. So I'm sitting here with a fresh cup of peppermint tea in my comfy pink robe and I'm ready to type.

1. The beginning of last year was a tough one for me. I was in school which I absolutely HATED. I wasn't studying anything specific, just trying to take classes full time while working a dumb catering job. I had a lot of anxiety and I was depressed. I hated myself, I slept all the time, I stopped going to school, I felt lonely, it was winter (my mood is greatly affected by the weather), I cried every single day and couldn't sleep at night. To top it off I lived in a dark basement. All of these things added up and I was feeling super scared because I've never been THAT down in my whole life. I was constantly feeling like I was a "bad wife" and other negative things that I had made up in my head.

2. After a good 5 months of that (Jan-May 2013) I moved out of Logan and into McKay's parents house. 

I felt like I could breathe again. The sun was out, I started exercising a little, I went on an amazing vacation with my family and things were a bit better but not all the way. I felt stuck.

3. Then I came here. It was SO hard getting here, but we made it. I remember walking into our dingy flat for the first time. It's small and pretty ghetto and I thought "what have I done? why are we here?" I felt incredibly homesick at first, but then things started to change. I noticed that my thoughts started to shift to more positive things. I was sleeping better and feeling more inspired by the city. It started to feed my creativity and passion for clothing...something I was lacking in Utah. Then one night after talking with McKay I realized that hadn't done any type of art since high school. I wasn't expressing myself and hadn't in YEARS. YOU GUYS, THIS WAS A MAJOR BREAK THROUGH FOR ME. No wonder I was so depressed and down all the time! I had stopped myself from any kind of creative and emotional outlet. I started to write in my journal whenever I had those negative feelings creeping up again. And you know what? I felt SO GOOD doing it. I love writing! I've also been reading more books and sketching designs and ideas. I feel so much happier and optimistic about myself now. I wouldn't say I'm 100%, but I am so much farther away from how I was a year ago. I would not have gotten this far if it weren't for London and if it weren't for my relationship with McKay. He's an incredible partner. He and I click so well and we have the most fun together, I love him so much. He's helped me through so much crap and I believe through all this we've grown a ton closer. Marriage for me has been a crazy great thing so far, my friends. I'm so happy about it.

4. McKay has been doing so well in school. Every time he comes home from school I can tell he's satisfied with how things are going there. He's getting better and better and I'm really proud of him. He has a light that shines when he is drawing and it validates to me why we are here spending crazy amounts of money. It's all worth it. I know it.

5. I'm definitely a city girl. I was born in a great city and now I'm living in another great city. But that being said, I'm SO excited to come back home to Centerville to see all of you. I'll be home February 15. McKay will be in London still. I'm not sure when I can go back to England, but as soon as I figure out my visa situation I will be back.

In conclusion: I am happy. I'm writing more, I'm reading more, I'm singing more, I'm sketching designs more, I'm seeing things in a new light. I'm so grateful I've had this time to work on myself. I was in absolute hell and now I feel like I can handle things. Again, I'm not 100%, but I'm better and that's great for me.

Love,

your Emi

Birthdays

As a kid birthdays were my most favorite especially mine because it meant my family would show love and kindness on that day and all towards me. :) (I'm an attention whore if you didn't know this already lol) But as I'm growing up my birthdays aren't seeming as important at all. I always try to hype myself up and get all excited but in the end, its just another birthday. Not that birthdays aren't great, but I think they are more important as a kid. Reasons being: 1) Your growing up and to more exciting things. 2) You have all your friends and family around. 3) You get sweet toys you get to play with all day long and do nothing more. 4) For me, I loved them most because my dad was always on his best behavior. As a grown up I don't think birthdays are going to be all that great. Reasons being: 1) growing older isn't that exciting now i've past the great 21. Turning 22 was only fun because I had TSwift's song to listen to and love. 3) All my friends are scattered in Utah/Europe so i won't be playing with them on my bday. 4) When your a grown up all you need is cash and don't really want/toys like you used to want. Thats boring. I think i'm finally coming down from my birthday cloud i'd have every year. Birthdays don't mean a whole lot anymore. Not like anyone is going to surprise me, chase is all about low expectations so that when surprises or anything really comes it will mean a lot and stuff. He's lame. That would be really cool to wake up to him making me breakfast or me getting a new car. To make my bday special this year I have scheduled nails in the morning and a two hr massage in the afternoon. And then chase says we will watch movies and make home made pizza. OH BOY, I get to stay home...like I usually am. At least he's willing to make pizza with me. I sound like such a downer. I'm sorry. Birthdays..I guess I can finally not give a bleep about them anymore. Butterflies are there but only because i make them be there. I feel like growing up you loose a little bit of the kid you were inside. It's sad and i miss that part of me. I always indulge myself in me nieces and nephews not only because i love them but because i envy them and want to be a kid again. Growing up i've always fantasize about being older and being able to drive, kiss, go to college, get married, have kids and be a kid with them. As i've been growing older, I've learned that dreaming is worthless unless you have money. Didn't have money to finish college, don't have money to get married or have kids. Money $ Money $ Money $ Money $ Money What a dog eat dog world and I hate it. I wish we could all be at Island View park playing and talking. I miss Emi Chan and being able to run down to her house. I miss sliding down the gobbles slide millions of times. I miss hanging out with Jessie in her awesome room(s) and watching TV with Becca in her house down stairs. I'm glad each of us loved each other and are such great friends. Like Emi said, the second generation of the Girls Club has begun with Crystal and Jessie. YAY!! I hope we are all in each other lives...forever. Miss and love you all! XOXO

Kids

Hi Girlfriends,

I’ve been thinking a lot about family and childhood. The foundation of the rest of our lives gets built with the help of parents, siblings, and friends. We all definitely recognize that, I believe. We all know just how much our family shaped us and continues to shape us every single day. And we all know how important our healthy childhood friendships were. And that’s why we are all doing alright. We all have a whole lot of love around us, and have from the second we were born. I’m so grateful that so much of my childhood was spent doing really beautiful, positive things with you girls. We were so creative. So fun. So energetic, as a group. We did so much stuff, it’s unreal. We really lived as kids. We played. And our parents trusted us and our friends. We all had different relationships with each of our parents. Tammy and Curtis were parents to us all. We probably ate more of their food than anyone else’s. And they made us each feel at home. I just had this memory of dropping down a really cool clothes shoot. I think it was at Jo’s house. Like a hole in the ground in that closet. Dang, that was fun. 

So anyways, I’m really grateful for the life I’ve lived so far. From age 3 I’ve known Crystal. I swear I remember Camille coming home from the hospital. She has always been the little sister I didn’t have. Jo had to have tested her way into the trio soon after that. Boy did we give her hell. Sorry Jo. That was weird of us/me, and I’m sorry. You were such a vital part of our group. Enter Becca when we’re both in preschool at Connie Krammer’s. I remember one time I called Becca (801.298.3602) when she lived in Bountiful, and we were super excited to play. She said “let me ask my mom” and in the background I could hear her start crying and yelling and being so sad and mad. Eventually Robin came to the phone and told me Becca can’t play today. I was so sad. And we couldn’t even text about it, we had to just know we were both so sad. Then Emi shows up and becomes each of our best friend. I think it’s so cool how Emi has always had a different relationship with each of us. I guess we all have different relationships, but Emi felt like the glue between all of our hard edges. You know what I mean? 

And now, here we are, all in different places doing different things. It kinda seemed like we really would all stay right where we were. We have, in a sense. I doubt any of our families will ever leave Centerville. It’s our home. We all drive home, probably often. We drive up the church street to get home, the path we walked countless times. Or up Pages Lane, the gateway to Dicks. Or past the Cemetery, thinking every time of the people we know there. I’ve been thinking about Centerville a lot too - growing up in the suburbs. I love cities with all my heart now, so I don’t see myself ever living in a suburb, but who knows. I loved my childhood, and a suburb childhood is different than a city childhood. But what I’ve learned of city childhoods from my friends who grew up in one is that city childhood is awesome too. So while I’m grateful for my childhood, I recognize that I will be okay to do things differently in my life. That my kids will still have good friends, good experiences. Kids are kids all over the world. 

I’ve been thinking about all this so much because life is taking another shift for me. I’m going to have one of these tiny kids for myself. My best friend and I have discovered we are pregnant. A Gilmore-Brewer hybrid will be joining us July 21st, give or take a day or three. I’ve always been a sucker for summer birthdays :) I found out in November, so I’ve had a couple months to process the news. Yesterday I was thinking about this little child and thought “Holy smokes, I am SO excited to be a mom. I’ve always wanted to be a mom. I wanted 9 to 11 kids. It used to be 8, but then Jordan Pitt said he wanted between 9 and 11 (this was in the 7th grade), so I realized I too wanted 9 to 11. These days I’m down to a more realistic 3 or 4, but I’ve always wanted those 3 or 4. I just haven’t known when, or with who. 

I am so grateful to be with Dave for this. It feels weird, taking these new steps in a different order than we both expected, but we feel peaceful and confident about it. We love each other, and now that I’ve loved I can say I’ve never known love before. And having a baby growing inside of me does nothing but feed that love. It’s a wonderful thing. We plan to get married, but not soon. It will probably be in 2-5 years. We are in no rush. We are broke, as I’m sure we all are, and have no intention to bust out a half-planned marriage really quick. I’d rather die. But when we do marry, you’re all invited. Before then, you’re all invited to love my child, because I’m sure I’ll need help :) 

I’m really so excited to hang out with a baby all day. Dave is working hard to support us, already. Since I moved home from Green River (in early December, largely because of this baby) I haven’t had a job. I’ve been living off of Dave. It is hard for me to combine finances so dependently. We’ve been taking care of each other since the day we met, but now we are doing so because we are a family, beginning in 6 months. I’m so grateful - it means I get to spend my time doing what I want to do. I’m helping Dave out a lot at the Collective, he needs the help, but I sleep when I want to (and boy did I sleep a lot the last couple months. Crystal, I’m sure you get it), and I work when I want to, and I report to my partner, who actually reports to me in this relationship. It’s nice to wear the pants, eh? Men are suckers for Women. The cuties. 

We will probably post something online soon. We’ve been meaning to, but have been pretty swamped with stuff this month. So I wanted to tell you girls first, even though I should have posted something a month ago. We needed our own time to process this coming change, so it’s been really nice, actually. But it will be even nicer not keeping it a secret anymore. Secrets are hard to keep. 

I love you all. I’m grateful for the influence you’ve had on me. I am not afraid of being a mom. I think it will be the best adventure I’ll ever have. Thanks for the love, all these years. I’d like to be a better friend this year. It’s hard for me, for some reason. I’m ultimately kind of a hermit. But I’m happy with it, so it’s a constant struggle. Anyways, I love you guys. I’m flying to New York today (thursday), so if you call or text I may not be around. I’d love to catch up, though. Maybe we could all try to post in the next few weeks. Post some stories, some hardships, some lessons learned and discoveries made. I’m sure we all have our struggles, we are all in our early twenties, and life is hard. So let’s share our stories more. We all have very different lives and have a lot to learn from each other. 

Happy Thursday everyone. I love you. 

Forever,
Jessie