Tuesday, December 23, 2014
Christmas Spirit
It couldn't let me copy and paste so I'm posting in pictures of my notes on my phone.
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
Best friends
Do you know what I just realized?!
We are all best friends and yet we all don't have friendship bracelets with each other all together. Let's get some!
I found cute ones here that can be engraved but are expensive lol
http://www.monicavinader.com/us/fiji-friendship-bracelet/gold-fiji-friendship-bracelet-black-energy/options
Saturday, July 12, 2014
Time Flies
So I was reading Jessie's last post from July 1st and realized I haven't written anything on this blog for what seemed like forever. To be sure, I looked back and saw that the last time I wrote anything was in August....uh......oops? I also realized that I rarely see any of you and so this blog is so fun but I guess it's only fair that I participate and write about me. That's the thing, I hate writing about myself. I feel like my life is so boring and I have nothing to contribute so I just avoid it. I even have my own blog that I wish I wrote in more but sadly I'm no good at writing in that as well. I just need to do more fun things so that I feel like I have a purpose for writing that is exciting and interesting rather than my day to day routine. Ok now I'm just rambling and avoiding the real reason of starting this post...an update.
My life. Ok so being graduated from college was fun for a time but now I'm getting the itch to go back. I don't know if that I feel like my life doesn't have purpose/meaning if I'm not busy with school or if I feel like I'm wanting to do more. It also could be that my whole life has been school; ages 5-23. That's what 18 years straight of school. It just feels like something is missing. So, I've been considering going to grad school. Am I crazy or what? I'm thinking about going into either Recreational Therapy or School Psychology. Now the next question I always get....What are those?
So at my old job, the one I had right after I graduated that was a residential treatment center, everyday the girls wen to what's called Recreational Therapy. It's an different kind of therapy in that they aren't just sitting talking to a therapist but rather they are put in situations with other people and have to work to accomplish the task. For example, get the whole group through this hanging hula hoop to the other side without any person touching it. As a staff, I got to participate in the tasks as well and let me tell you, they were so hard! So many issues with yourself and with relationships come out when put in these type of situations. I had to put my complete trust in these girls who I didn't always know that well and some I really didn't care for. It was amazing how much I learned about myself and the importance of relationships. You can fake liking someone or ace like their best friend, but when put in situations that require trust, true feelings come out. I sometimes hated participating because of that. MY issues came out when I wasn't even the one in treatment. But at the same time, I loved it because it made me aware of things in my life that needed fixing. But overall, the time during these "therapy sessions" were amazing and it was amazing to see change and improvements in myself and the girls. They also made me interested in becoming a Recreational Therapist and work with people struggling with mental illnesses.
So School Psychology is similar but quite different from Recreational Therapy. A school psychologist works in schools to help kids who are really struggling to be successful in school--mentally and socially. They work a lot with kids who have autism to help teachers/administration/parents know what the child needs to be successful.
My plan is to apply for both programs and hope that one of them works out. So my plan for the rest of summer and this coming Fall is to work on studying for the GRE (like the ACT for grad school) and getting applications done. Super fun right??
So while I'm working on the applications and stuff, I'm also working full time for a company called Apex Fun Run. It's a leadership program that involves fitness and fundraising in Elementary schools. So basically, we go into schools and help them organize a Fun Run where the kids get pledges for every lap that they run to raise money and while we're there for the two weeks, we go into classes and teach leadership lessons to help the kids learn about how to be good leaders. We teach lessons like having a positive attitude and helping others and working together, etc. It's super fun and so rewarding and I really do love it but I can't see me doing this forever. (I think I would die from repetition.) But for now it's super fun and I really do love it! For the summer though, I'm working at the Smoot's daycare in Bountiful--glamorous job I know. It's really nothing impressive but it's been fun. I just love kids I guess.
So I've been living in Cottonwood Heights but I have to move out at the end of this month cause our lease is up and we're being kicked out. (No, we're not bad tenants, my landlord just wants a family to move in our house because there has been so much turnover with single girls moving in and out.) I'm going to be moving to Sugarhouse and live with some friends from BYU. I'm super excited for a change! Cottonwood Heights definitely wasn't what I expected but it was a learning experience for me. I struggled a lot at first being motivated to do anything, meet anyone or do anything worthwhile. I actually cried myself to sleep a lot of nights just sad about everything. I decided in the midst of my self deprecating pity party that this was a time for me to concentrate on ME and bettering myself. I felt like I hadn't done things for me. I started working out more, I read my scriptures more consistently, I kept my room clean(er) and I kept myself busy doing things that made me happy so that I didn't have time to feel bad for myself and be sad. It was amazing the change that I saw in my life and how much happier I was. Life wasn't perfect but it was so much better. Such an amazing learning experience.
When I was reading Jessie's last post, I loved the part about Declarations. It reminded me again of my treatment center job. There was one girl who had a daily declaration sheet. She struggled a lot with loving herself inside and out. She had I think 4 or 5 phrases that she said to herself everyday in the mirror about loving herself and that she was beautiful. She actually hated saying them at first but then all the girls would say them with her and she started believing them. The change in her was amazing. It didn't mean she was totally healed of her negative thoughts but she started seeing herself for who she was and the amazing person she had the potential of becoming. So Declarations are amazing! Do it! I'm going to start too!
I think that's all. Sorry for the long post. If you made it this far, I'm sorry. I'll try to post more so that when I do post, it's not so long. Love you all! Keep in touch!
-Becca
My life. Ok so being graduated from college was fun for a time but now I'm getting the itch to go back. I don't know if that I feel like my life doesn't have purpose/meaning if I'm not busy with school or if I feel like I'm wanting to do more. It also could be that my whole life has been school; ages 5-23. That's what 18 years straight of school. It just feels like something is missing. So, I've been considering going to grad school. Am I crazy or what? I'm thinking about going into either Recreational Therapy or School Psychology. Now the next question I always get....What are those?
So at my old job, the one I had right after I graduated that was a residential treatment center, everyday the girls wen to what's called Recreational Therapy. It's an different kind of therapy in that they aren't just sitting talking to a therapist but rather they are put in situations with other people and have to work to accomplish the task. For example, get the whole group through this hanging hula hoop to the other side without any person touching it. As a staff, I got to participate in the tasks as well and let me tell you, they were so hard! So many issues with yourself and with relationships come out when put in these type of situations. I had to put my complete trust in these girls who I didn't always know that well and some I really didn't care for. It was amazing how much I learned about myself and the importance of relationships. You can fake liking someone or ace like their best friend, but when put in situations that require trust, true feelings come out. I sometimes hated participating because of that. MY issues came out when I wasn't even the one in treatment. But at the same time, I loved it because it made me aware of things in my life that needed fixing. But overall, the time during these "therapy sessions" were amazing and it was amazing to see change and improvements in myself and the girls. They also made me interested in becoming a Recreational Therapist and work with people struggling with mental illnesses.
So School Psychology is similar but quite different from Recreational Therapy. A school psychologist works in schools to help kids who are really struggling to be successful in school--mentally and socially. They work a lot with kids who have autism to help teachers/administration/parents know what the child needs to be successful.
My plan is to apply for both programs and hope that one of them works out. So my plan for the rest of summer and this coming Fall is to work on studying for the GRE (like the ACT for grad school) and getting applications done. Super fun right??
So while I'm working on the applications and stuff, I'm also working full time for a company called Apex Fun Run. It's a leadership program that involves fitness and fundraising in Elementary schools. So basically, we go into schools and help them organize a Fun Run where the kids get pledges for every lap that they run to raise money and while we're there for the two weeks, we go into classes and teach leadership lessons to help the kids learn about how to be good leaders. We teach lessons like having a positive attitude and helping others and working together, etc. It's super fun and so rewarding and I really do love it but I can't see me doing this forever. (I think I would die from repetition.) But for now it's super fun and I really do love it! For the summer though, I'm working at the Smoot's daycare in Bountiful--glamorous job I know. It's really nothing impressive but it's been fun. I just love kids I guess.
So I've been living in Cottonwood Heights but I have to move out at the end of this month cause our lease is up and we're being kicked out. (No, we're not bad tenants, my landlord just wants a family to move in our house because there has been so much turnover with single girls moving in and out.) I'm going to be moving to Sugarhouse and live with some friends from BYU. I'm super excited for a change! Cottonwood Heights definitely wasn't what I expected but it was a learning experience for me. I struggled a lot at first being motivated to do anything, meet anyone or do anything worthwhile. I actually cried myself to sleep a lot of nights just sad about everything. I decided in the midst of my self deprecating pity party that this was a time for me to concentrate on ME and bettering myself. I felt like I hadn't done things for me. I started working out more, I read my scriptures more consistently, I kept my room clean(er) and I kept myself busy doing things that made me happy so that I didn't have time to feel bad for myself and be sad. It was amazing the change that I saw in my life and how much happier I was. Life wasn't perfect but it was so much better. Such an amazing learning experience.
When I was reading Jessie's last post, I loved the part about Declarations. It reminded me again of my treatment center job. There was one girl who had a daily declaration sheet. She struggled a lot with loving herself inside and out. She had I think 4 or 5 phrases that she said to herself everyday in the mirror about loving herself and that she was beautiful. She actually hated saying them at first but then all the girls would say them with her and she started believing them. The change in her was amazing. It didn't mean she was totally healed of her negative thoughts but she started seeing herself for who she was and the amazing person she had the potential of becoming. So Declarations are amazing! Do it! I'm going to start too!
I think that's all. Sorry for the long post. If you made it this far, I'm sorry. I'll try to post more so that when I do post, it's not so long. Love you all! Keep in touch!
-Becca
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
My response to Emi's post + an update from me (Jessie)
I agree that cookie dough is better than cookies.
Jo said "There's never any judgement in the girls club, only love and support." I agree and hope you all feel the same. We all need somewhere to vent and cry and celebrate and ask for help and I think this blog is a perfect place for that. I think having known each other since we were kids gives us a rare relationship. We get each other in ways, even if we don't know some of the most important things going on in each other's life.
My mom has been doing Recovery for a few years now and it has completely changed the way my family (those of us who are open to it) talks about anxiety. It's been a huge blessing in my life. My mom is so wise and loving and she is always learning and growing to new levels. I hope all of you feel comfortable reaching out to her when you need advice/a listening ear. She's a good'n.
The mental health tools that Recovery teaches are awesome. I'm so glad to hear you've been going Emi! Dave has a lot of anxiety (mostly social, but a good deal of personal/mental anxiety too) and being with him has taught me a lot about myself and my own anxieties. I do believe that almost every person has some form of anxiety, some much more life-altering than others. Coming to peace with ourselves (our own worst enemy) is one of life's purposes, I believe. Loving ourselves allows us to love our neighbors. Can you imagine giving Jesus a compliment and him saying "Nah I'm not that fit, I feel really fat actually." Hah. That's funny. I think Jesus ultimately loved himself so much that he could spend all his energy on spreading love to others. So cool.
Emi, you are brave and strong. I am so proud of you and the life you are building for yourself. Do what it takes to be happy and healthy. I can't have jobs very well either - it makes me really depressed to have a schedule I HAVE to follow. I think we all need to ignore everybody else and recognize that there is no one way to live this life. We are all SO different -- based on personality, family, life-changing experiences, etc -- that of course we all take different paths to happiness. You are strong, Emi, even if sharing your name with the class makes your hands sweat.
I've been thinking about the Young Women's ...dang. What do you call it? Theme? We are daughters of our Heavenly Father who loves us, and we love him. We will stand as witnesses of God at all times, in all things, and in all places, as we strive to live the young women values, which are: Faith, Divine Nature, Individual Worth, Knowledge, Choice and Accountability, Good Works, and Integrity. We believe as we come to accept and act upon these values, we will be prepared to strengthen home and family, make and keep sacred covenants, receive the ordinances of the temple, and enjoy the blessings of exhaltation. Is that right? That was fun trying to remember. Anyways, I've been thinking about this, how we used to say it every week. This isn't that good of an example because it is so generic, but I think we all need little chants that we say to ourselves in the morning (and afternoon and evening) that give us strength and confidence. My mom calls them Declarations. You declare things about yourself and say them (even yell them) every day until you really believe that they are true. The other day I was staring at myself in the mirror having an emotional breakdown (about what? Who can ever remember. Just everything. You know?) and I stood up tall and said "You are a beautiful, strong woman who is grounded and wise." I couldn't actually finish the sentence out loud very well because I was crying and my depressed feelings tried hard to smush the sentence, but I realized, staring at myself in the mirror with red puffy eyes and a big belly, that I am beautiful, strong, grounded, and wise. I just have highs and lows from day to day. I thought about my Mom and her first pregnancy, and my grandma, and her mom, and I realized how much we as women go through in this life. We are amazing. I’d like to work on my Declarations. My mom advises to have 5 or 6 sentences that you say about yourself and memorize them. Say them every day until you really truly believe it. I'm going to work on my Declarations and I'll post them here when I've solidified them. I'll do my best to say them to myself every day and I'll let you know what it does for me :)
I love you all. Thank you guys for coming to our shin-dig the other day. It means a lot that you'd come out. It was an overwhelming evening, but I felt so loved and supported. I didn't even cry the whole night. Most days the smallest things will make me teary eyed (at least). I’m sorry I couldn’t spend more time with you guys. Being a host is exhausting.
I guess I'll transition this into talking a bit about where I'm at. I'm feeling good. I'm due 3 weeks from today (Monday July 1st) and it blows my mind. I can't believe it is July already. Time flies. Always. I think about when I found out I was pregnant. I calculated the due date and thought woah, July? I can’t even imagine July - it’s so far from now. And now it’s July and I can’t even believe it.
I feel good. Pregnancy is a daily battle of confidence, health, and facing fears, but I’ve learned so much from the last 9 months. I’m excited for all of you to experience it. Crystal: Thanks for all your advice over the last couple weeks. It’s so nice to hear your experiences. Your tiny son will love you so much. You deserve a little testosterone, having raised a family of women your whole life. I love your photos (post more on here! We won’t get tired of them!) and I hope you’re loving the whole deal. I call for an update! :)
Dave and I are solid. He’s a wonderful partner and teammate. I have to work on my own independence, it’s easy for me to just want to spend all my time with him and help him with everything he’s doing. But it’s important for us both to have alone time. He really is my best friend and I’m so grateful I found him. We are broke as broke can be, but we’ll be okay. Running the Photo Collective is exhausting. Rent for that space is $5500 a month, not to mention utilities and our own rent at home. We are always behind on rent, but luckily the collective’s landlord likes us and lets us be behind. It’s so stressful, trying to earn that much every month just to throw at rent, but it’s the game we have to play I guess. We talk about walking away from it all, Dave could earn plenty of money as a photographer and not have to give any to the collective, but we have decided to really work hard for the next year and if next July comes around and we are still struggling this hard, we will close the doors and move on. We both know we could put a lot into it so we hope by this time next year we are able to earn and save money from it instead of being a month behind on rent all the time. Here’s hoping!
I’m excited to have this baby. We are doing a home birth and I’m so excited. It’s pretty awesome. We’ll just be doing our thing from day to day then one day I’ll start getting labor pains and I’ll just go on walks, clean my house, maybe do some weird organizing things at home, whatever, until I really go into heavy labor. My midwife will come to my house and she’ll help me through the labor. I’ll be free to move around and try any position to help with the pain. Then with enough sweat and tears the babe will come, the midwife will make sure it’s healthy and well, then they’ll clean everything up and leave us to be at home with our new friend. I feel so peaceful about it all. Last night I had dreams about labor - the first night I’ve dreamt of labor - and it was peaceful and right. I know it will be the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I’ll feel like I’m going to die, but I can’t wait.
Dave just turned 29. I’m turning 25 in a little bit. I feel good about our ages. We feel good about the transition from early twenties to late twenties/early thirties. I’m ready to grow into this new chapter of motherhood, though I’m sure I will miss many things about the last phase (the last 6 or 7 years). I can’t believe it has been 7 years since I graduated from High School! On with the next 7 years!
Okay now I’m just rambling. I’d love to hear updates from all of you. Sorry I’m bad at texting and snap-chatting. I honestly just don’t spend that much time on my phone. I get depressed/anxious when I check my phone too much, so I don’t even have notifications for snapchat or Facebook or instagram turned on. That way it’s only when I open the app that I see notifications. I feel good about choosing when to see these things rather than being buzzed at any time. I just can’t handle the interruption - it distracts my brain so entirely. I think smartphones/social media is why so many of us have ADD and anxiety and depression. But anyways, this is all to say, sorry I’m bad at keeping in touch on a normal level. It’s just how I am.
I love you all. Thanks for helping me become who I am. Happy July! OH that reminds me! My grandpa Garrett is leading the Centerville 4th of July parade (he’s the oldest Veteran in Centerville (95!) so he gets to be the “Grand Marshall.” He’s so excited!), so I’ll be there cheering him on with a bunch of my extended family. I guess we are going to be sitting in front of the Jr High, so if any of you are going to the parade I’d love to see you!
Hugs and Kisses and /// and etc. I love you.
Jessie
Jo said "There's never any judgement in the girls club, only love and support." I agree and hope you all feel the same. We all need somewhere to vent and cry and celebrate and ask for help and I think this blog is a perfect place for that. I think having known each other since we were kids gives us a rare relationship. We get each other in ways, even if we don't know some of the most important things going on in each other's life.
My mom has been doing Recovery for a few years now and it has completely changed the way my family (those of us who are open to it) talks about anxiety. It's been a huge blessing in my life. My mom is so wise and loving and she is always learning and growing to new levels. I hope all of you feel comfortable reaching out to her when you need advice/a listening ear. She's a good'n.
The mental health tools that Recovery teaches are awesome. I'm so glad to hear you've been going Emi! Dave has a lot of anxiety (mostly social, but a good deal of personal/mental anxiety too) and being with him has taught me a lot about myself and my own anxieties. I do believe that almost every person has some form of anxiety, some much more life-altering than others. Coming to peace with ourselves (our own worst enemy) is one of life's purposes, I believe. Loving ourselves allows us to love our neighbors. Can you imagine giving Jesus a compliment and him saying "Nah I'm not that fit, I feel really fat actually." Hah. That's funny. I think Jesus ultimately loved himself so much that he could spend all his energy on spreading love to others. So cool.
Emi, you are brave and strong. I am so proud of you and the life you are building for yourself. Do what it takes to be happy and healthy. I can't have jobs very well either - it makes me really depressed to have a schedule I HAVE to follow. I think we all need to ignore everybody else and recognize that there is no one way to live this life. We are all SO different -- based on personality, family, life-changing experiences, etc -- that of course we all take different paths to happiness. You are strong, Emi, even if sharing your name with the class makes your hands sweat.
I've been thinking about the Young Women's ...dang. What do you call it? Theme? We are daughters of our Heavenly Father who loves us, and we love him. We will stand as witnesses of God at all times, in all things, and in all places, as we strive to live the young women values, which are: Faith, Divine Nature, Individual Worth, Knowledge, Choice and Accountability, Good Works, and Integrity. We believe as we come to accept and act upon these values, we will be prepared to strengthen home and family, make and keep sacred covenants, receive the ordinances of the temple, and enjoy the blessings of exhaltation. Is that right? That was fun trying to remember. Anyways, I've been thinking about this, how we used to say it every week. This isn't that good of an example because it is so generic, but I think we all need little chants that we say to ourselves in the morning (and afternoon and evening) that give us strength and confidence. My mom calls them Declarations. You declare things about yourself and say them (even yell them) every day until you really believe that they are true. The other day I was staring at myself in the mirror having an emotional breakdown (about what? Who can ever remember. Just everything. You know?) and I stood up tall and said "You are a beautiful, strong woman who is grounded and wise." I couldn't actually finish the sentence out loud very well because I was crying and my depressed feelings tried hard to smush the sentence, but I realized, staring at myself in the mirror with red puffy eyes and a big belly, that I am beautiful, strong, grounded, and wise. I just have highs and lows from day to day. I thought about my Mom and her first pregnancy, and my grandma, and her mom, and I realized how much we as women go through in this life. We are amazing. I’d like to work on my Declarations. My mom advises to have 5 or 6 sentences that you say about yourself and memorize them. Say them every day until you really truly believe it. I'm going to work on my Declarations and I'll post them here when I've solidified them. I'll do my best to say them to myself every day and I'll let you know what it does for me :)
I love you all. Thank you guys for coming to our shin-dig the other day. It means a lot that you'd come out. It was an overwhelming evening, but I felt so loved and supported. I didn't even cry the whole night. Most days the smallest things will make me teary eyed (at least). I’m sorry I couldn’t spend more time with you guys. Being a host is exhausting.
I guess I'll transition this into talking a bit about where I'm at. I'm feeling good. I'm due 3 weeks from today (Monday July 1st) and it blows my mind. I can't believe it is July already. Time flies. Always. I think about when I found out I was pregnant. I calculated the due date and thought woah, July? I can’t even imagine July - it’s so far from now. And now it’s July and I can’t even believe it.
I feel good. Pregnancy is a daily battle of confidence, health, and facing fears, but I’ve learned so much from the last 9 months. I’m excited for all of you to experience it. Crystal: Thanks for all your advice over the last couple weeks. It’s so nice to hear your experiences. Your tiny son will love you so much. You deserve a little testosterone, having raised a family of women your whole life. I love your photos (post more on here! We won’t get tired of them!) and I hope you’re loving the whole deal. I call for an update! :)
Dave and I are solid. He’s a wonderful partner and teammate. I have to work on my own independence, it’s easy for me to just want to spend all my time with him and help him with everything he’s doing. But it’s important for us both to have alone time. He really is my best friend and I’m so grateful I found him. We are broke as broke can be, but we’ll be okay. Running the Photo Collective is exhausting. Rent for that space is $5500 a month, not to mention utilities and our own rent at home. We are always behind on rent, but luckily the collective’s landlord likes us and lets us be behind. It’s so stressful, trying to earn that much every month just to throw at rent, but it’s the game we have to play I guess. We talk about walking away from it all, Dave could earn plenty of money as a photographer and not have to give any to the collective, but we have decided to really work hard for the next year and if next July comes around and we are still struggling this hard, we will close the doors and move on. We both know we could put a lot into it so we hope by this time next year we are able to earn and save money from it instead of being a month behind on rent all the time. Here’s hoping!
I’m excited to have this baby. We are doing a home birth and I’m so excited. It’s pretty awesome. We’ll just be doing our thing from day to day then one day I’ll start getting labor pains and I’ll just go on walks, clean my house, maybe do some weird organizing things at home, whatever, until I really go into heavy labor. My midwife will come to my house and she’ll help me through the labor. I’ll be free to move around and try any position to help with the pain. Then with enough sweat and tears the babe will come, the midwife will make sure it’s healthy and well, then they’ll clean everything up and leave us to be at home with our new friend. I feel so peaceful about it all. Last night I had dreams about labor - the first night I’ve dreamt of labor - and it was peaceful and right. I know it will be the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I’ll feel like I’m going to die, but I can’t wait.
Dave just turned 29. I’m turning 25 in a little bit. I feel good about our ages. We feel good about the transition from early twenties to late twenties/early thirties. I’m ready to grow into this new chapter of motherhood, though I’m sure I will miss many things about the last phase (the last 6 or 7 years). I can’t believe it has been 7 years since I graduated from High School! On with the next 7 years!
Okay now I’m just rambling. I’d love to hear updates from all of you. Sorry I’m bad at texting and snap-chatting. I honestly just don’t spend that much time on my phone. I get depressed/anxious when I check my phone too much, so I don’t even have notifications for snapchat or Facebook or instagram turned on. That way it’s only when I open the app that I see notifications. I feel good about choosing when to see these things rather than being buzzed at any time. I just can’t handle the interruption - it distracts my brain so entirely. I think smartphones/social media is why so many of us have ADD and anxiety and depression. But anyways, this is all to say, sorry I’m bad at keeping in touch on a normal level. It’s just how I am.
I love you all. Thanks for helping me become who I am. Happy July! OH that reminds me! My grandpa Garrett is leading the Centerville 4th of July parade (he’s the oldest Veteran in Centerville (95!) so he gets to be the “Grand Marshall.” He’s so excited!), so I’ll be there cheering him on with a bunch of my extended family. I guess we are going to be sitting in front of the Jr High, so if any of you are going to the parade I’d love to see you!
Hugs and Kisses and /// and etc. I love you.
Jessie
 |
| David John Brewer, looking a bit tired and wearing my hat. |
 |
| Our first baby gift in the mail! He was so excited to open it. |
 |
| My midwife measuring my belly. |
 |
| Cutest saggy underwear. He didn't notice me tying this around him (we was texting). |
 |
| We try to escape to the mountain at least once a week. It's such a good refresher. |
 |
| There's a basketball in my belly. |
 |
| He's just so sweet. I love him. |
Thursday, June 26, 2014
My really awesome brain
Hey bffs, how's it going? So I'm here to talk a little bit about what is going on with me. I've been home for a few months now and I have to say it's been a blessing. I was able to go to Tyler's college graduation which really meant a lot to me and I'm sure it meant a lot to him too. I've just been able to be there more for my family and even though it's heartbreaking to be away from McKay, I have loved my time here so far. I've never felt so needed by my family. I'm the type of girl who always tries to fly under the radar (as my therapist says) and that's how it's always been ever since I was a kid. I never got in trouble or did "bad" things because I didn't want to be noticed or have negative attention on me. But since I've been home my family has told me a lot how glad they are to have me back and how much they've missed me. Even you guys have said that to me and it makes me so happy and feel needed, so thank you.
**Here is a typical situation when I try to apply for jobs: I'll go to the area where the job is, drive around for a few minutes (at this point my heart starts beating really fast and usually I'll go home and try another day) and if I do get enough courage, I'll park the car and force myself to get out. I'll walk in (then sometimes at this point I'll pretend I'm a customer, look around then leave) and go straight to the desk and ask for an application (heart pounding, mind racing, body sweating and/or shaking). After that I'll go home and feel exhausted. BUT it's not over yet. I'll sit down to fill out the application (name, address, phone, easy) and the farther I get into filling it out the more anxious and sad I get (This is when my depression voices kick in "They're going to think I'm an idiot. Why would they hire me? I'm not good enough for the job. Who do you think you are trying to apply for this job anyway? I'm a complete fraud etc.) Are you exhausted reading this yet? Then it's another battle to even go back and turn it in. There have been so many half filled job applications in my trash can, it's quite silly. So don't think I'm simply too lazy to get a job. It's a huge struggle for me to even apply. BUT when I do get an interview or the actual job, I'm fine. I actually perform really well in my jobs even if it is in a social setting.**
I've been going to therapy for about 5 weeks now. I'm SO glad I decided to do it. I've been wanting to go for over a year, but I've always been scared of what my parents would say or think. I didn't really tell them I was struggling last year. Again, flying under the radar. But a couple months ago I had a huge melt down and my parents were really supportive and even suggested that I talk to a therapist. I think you all know that my dad has depression so for the first time that was a comfort to me to know that he knew what I was going through. It took me a good month or so to get the courage to even email her, but I'm happy I did.
I've also been going to Recovery at the Centerville library that Judy conducts and she also holds a sort of LDS version of recovery every week at her house too. It's helped me a lot in what it means to use the gospel in my life. The biggest thing I'm learning/struggling with is loving myself the way God loves me. And not only myself but loving others around me (friends, family, stupid drivers, EVERYONE) the way God loves them.
So "what's """wrong""" with me?" -- that's a good question! I haven't really known until I started going to therapy. I have anxiety and a bit of depression. I say "a bit" because I see my dad as having it full blown and I know I'm not there on his level. I have really mean voices in my head that tell me I'm stupid, fat, ugly, worthless (that one's a big one), etc. over and over again and some days it's quiet, but other days it's like they're full on screaming in my brain. That usually makes me crawl up in a ball and stay in bed and cry/sleep/do nothing for hours. I have anxiety which keeps me up half the night--my mind is constantly racing and worried and stressed and nervous. I have social anxiety so in certain social situations I get really panicky and shut down. If you've ever seen me in a group setting and I don't say a single word, that's probably why. It's the major reason why I'm not going to the first half of church right now. I've noticed that even having to say my name when we're going around the room introducing ourselves in a class makes my heart race and palms sweaty and I get really shaky and nervous. It's crazy, but it's so automatic. It's also the reason why I don't have a job/ haven't had a lot of jobs.
**Here is a typical situation when I try to apply for jobs: I'll go to the area where the job is, drive around for a few minutes (at this point my heart starts beating really fast and usually I'll go home and try another day) and if I do get enough courage, I'll park the car and force myself to get out. I'll walk in (then sometimes at this point I'll pretend I'm a customer, look around then leave) and go straight to the desk and ask for an application (heart pounding, mind racing, body sweating and/or shaking). After that I'll go home and feel exhausted. BUT it's not over yet. I'll sit down to fill out the application (name, address, phone, easy) and the farther I get into filling it out the more anxious and sad I get (This is when my depression voices kick in "They're going to think I'm an idiot. Why would they hire me? I'm not good enough for the job. Who do you think you are trying to apply for this job anyway? I'm a complete fraud etc.) Are you exhausted reading this yet? Then it's another battle to even go back and turn it in. There have been so many half filled job applications in my trash can, it's quite silly. So don't think I'm simply too lazy to get a job. It's a huge struggle for me to even apply. BUT when I do get an interview or the actual job, I'm fine. I actually perform really well in my jobs even if it is in a social setting.**
This last therapy session that I had, I learned that I get panic attacks. I've never quite known what they were or if I had them, but now that I look back through my life I can label them as something real. Therapy is nice because I get labeled which sounds strange, but I finally know what's "wrong" with me and what things that I'm feeling are called. YOU MEAN THEY HAVE ACTUAL NAMES?! HOW AWESOME! FINALLY.
Anyway, there's a lot more to it and if I tried to explain it all it would take days, but in a huge nutshell that is some of what I'm going through. I'm also talking out a lot stuff from my childhood that I've experienced and how it's affecting me now as an adult. Recovery is helping me deal with things that happen to me with other people (if someone offends me or makes me mad or really sad) and the LDS recovery thing is helping me think more positively and giving me hope.
I'm not writing this to get pity or have you girls feel bad for me. I just want you to know what's going on and what I'm doing with my life right now. I know it'll be a lifelong struggle to get over these things and maybe someday I will feel complete peace with myself, but for now I'm working on it and I feel good doing it. London was a wonderful break from life and a great distraction, but now that I'm back in the "real world" I've learned that I need to take care of this now while I'm here. I spend my days going to the library, going to stores, spending time with my parents or friends, skyping McKay, traveling, baking, and going to my sister in law's house to play with her kids. Basically different distractions to help my mind to not go into a downward spiral. It's great! I've had a great couple of weeks.
Lastly, I want to let you all know how much you mean to me. YOU MATTER TO ME. I am so thankful to have you girls as my friends and that I can feel safe sharing this with you. Not a lot of people know what I'm going through (not even my own brother) and it feels so good to be honest with you. AHHHHH we can take a breath now. I love you so much individually. You each have a special place in my heart forever. I love you.
Fewf, if you read this far say 'cookies are awesome' in the comments below so I know you made it.
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Skinny girls
I see this girl (see picture below) and think she's really in shape and has a really nice stomach. Kinda reminds me if how skinny I used to be in high school but not near as toned.
I used to be 115 pounds. I can hardly recall what it looked like, how I could fit in size 4 jeans (I think it was 4) or even what it felt like physically to be that skinny.
As I try to think I know I didn't work out and was always a petite child. I rembee in high school always being hungery and nothing sounding good. Plus I hardly had money nor for the good food.
But as I look at this picture and try to remember being skinny me in high school and I think about my body today, I'm actually and finally content with my body as is now.
Think about it, I eat well and healthy. My boyfriend thinks I look great (but could tone) and I feel good. Sure sometimes I look in the mirror and only see the flab and muffin top. But I am now seeing the almost 6 years since graduation and what this body had learned.
I learned about steak, sushi, vegetables, and combining those to eat healthy. (I could eat even better if I had money) I've learned that the line between looking great, feeling great in your skin and eating great isn't a fine line, it's all in your optimistic mind and the wonderful partner that loves and supports you no matter what.
This years goal was to loose my fat and get back to 115 and I'm sure if I was really dedicated and worked out I could. But now I'm realizing I don't want to and don't need to. Sure I'll work out but not to get back to the high shool me because sure that girl looked great in the eyes of "Hollywood" or horny guys but I don't ever want to feel my stomach that small again.
I seriously think I was malnourished back then. I ate a lot of candy, potatoes, ham, Wendy's, etc.
Long story short, this girl is finally comfortable saying that she's comfortable in her own skin regardless of the flaws I can always pick out myself. :)
Monday, April 14, 2014
Pregnant
So I'm 23 days late on my period. Throughout this month I've taken prego tests and they were all negative. Friday 4/11 Chase and I were really worried so I got a doctors appt.
This was the most scary feeling I've ever experienced. I've never gone to the doctor to see if I was pregnant before! Ah!! I was so nervous I wanted to throw up. So I peed in a cup and waited for the doctor. The doctor comes in and tells me the results. She doesn't even like ease me into or anything. She just says hello and tells me that I'm not pregnant. It was like whiplash. I was so relieved/not expecting that at all.
I felt myself calming down and a relief came over me. I thought for sure I was prego.
I asked the doctor why I missed my period and by so many days. She asked me questions like what have my exercise and eating habits been like. Also if I've had stress. We narrowed it down to the stress since I got this new job. I mean who knew that stress could make you miss your period? (Mind blown) like I've heard of that but never thought it would really happen to me. Plus I didn't really think I was THAT stressed out..
Apparently I was though cause I still haven't started my period.
Now I'm like wishing I would start and trying to keep my stress levels down.
I remember in jr high I was so worried about senior picture day and who I was going to sit by that on the way to the picture I puked in the hallway.
Why do I stress out over the most small things that don't matter? Ugh. I need to learn some stress exercises.
Thursday, January 23, 2014
London, I love you.
There's been so much going on in my life lately. It still seems surreal to me being here and paying with weird money and hearing a million accents, smelling all these new and weird smells. I love London. It's been a crazy blessing being here as I have found things out about myself that I never would have if I had stayed in Utah. I want to share with you what I've been going through and even though it's not the prettiest picture, hardly anyone knows about my life and I want you, the people I am close to, to know me. So I'm sitting here with a fresh cup of peppermint tea in my comfy pink robe and I'm ready to type.
1. The beginning of last year was a tough one for me. I was in school which I absolutely HATED. I wasn't studying anything specific, just trying to take classes full time while working a dumb catering job. I had a lot of anxiety and I was depressed. I hated myself, I slept all the time, I stopped going to school, I felt lonely, it was winter (my mood is greatly affected by the weather), I cried every single day and couldn't sleep at night. To top it off I lived in a dark basement. All of these things added up and I was feeling super scared because I've never been THAT down in my whole life. I was constantly feeling like I was a "bad wife" and other negative things that I had made up in my head.
2. After a good 5 months of that (Jan-May 2013) I moved out of Logan and into McKay's parents house.
2. After a good 5 months of that (Jan-May 2013) I moved out of Logan and into McKay's parents house.
I felt like I could breathe again. The sun was out, I started exercising a little, I went on an amazing vacation with my family and things were a bit better but not all the way. I felt stuck.
3. Then I came here. It was SO hard getting here, but we made it. I remember walking into our dingy flat for the first time. It's small and pretty ghetto and I thought "what have I done? why are we here?" I felt incredibly homesick at first, but then things started to change. I noticed that my thoughts started to shift to more positive things. I was sleeping better and feeling more inspired by the city. It started to feed my creativity and passion for clothing...something I was lacking in Utah. Then one night after talking with McKay I realized that hadn't done any type of art since high school. I wasn't expressing myself and hadn't in YEARS. YOU GUYS, THIS WAS A MAJOR BREAK THROUGH FOR ME. No wonder I was so depressed and down all the time! I had stopped myself from any kind of creative and emotional outlet. I started to write in my journal whenever I had those negative feelings creeping up again. And you know what? I felt SO GOOD doing it. I love writing! I've also been reading more books and sketching designs and ideas. I feel so much happier and optimistic about myself now. I wouldn't say I'm 100%, but I am so much farther away from how I was a year ago. I would not have gotten this far if it weren't for London and if it weren't for my relationship with McKay. He's an incredible partner. He and I click so well and we have the most fun together, I love him so much. He's helped me through so much crap and I believe through all this we've grown a ton closer. Marriage for me has been a crazy great thing so far, my friends. I'm so happy about it.
4. McKay has been doing so well in school. Every time he comes home from school I can tell he's satisfied with how things are going there. He's getting better and better and I'm really proud of him. He has a light that shines when he is drawing and it validates to me why we are here spending crazy amounts of money. It's all worth it. I know it.
5. I'm definitely a city girl. I was born in a great city and now I'm living in another great city. But that being said, I'm SO excited to come back home to Centerville to see all of you. I'll be home February 15. McKay will be in London still. I'm not sure when I can go back to England, but as soon as I figure out my visa situation I will be back.
In conclusion: I am happy. I'm writing more, I'm reading more, I'm singing more, I'm sketching designs more, I'm seeing things in a new light. I'm so grateful I've had this time to work on myself. I was in absolute hell and now I feel like I can handle things. Again, I'm not 100%, but I'm better and that's great for me.
Love,
your Emi
3. Then I came here. It was SO hard getting here, but we made it. I remember walking into our dingy flat for the first time. It's small and pretty ghetto and I thought "what have I done? why are we here?" I felt incredibly homesick at first, but then things started to change. I noticed that my thoughts started to shift to more positive things. I was sleeping better and feeling more inspired by the city. It started to feed my creativity and passion for clothing...something I was lacking in Utah. Then one night after talking with McKay I realized that hadn't done any type of art since high school. I wasn't expressing myself and hadn't in YEARS. YOU GUYS, THIS WAS A MAJOR BREAK THROUGH FOR ME. No wonder I was so depressed and down all the time! I had stopped myself from any kind of creative and emotional outlet. I started to write in my journal whenever I had those negative feelings creeping up again. And you know what? I felt SO GOOD doing it. I love writing! I've also been reading more books and sketching designs and ideas. I feel so much happier and optimistic about myself now. I wouldn't say I'm 100%, but I am so much farther away from how I was a year ago. I would not have gotten this far if it weren't for London and if it weren't for my relationship with McKay. He's an incredible partner. He and I click so well and we have the most fun together, I love him so much. He's helped me through so much crap and I believe through all this we've grown a ton closer. Marriage for me has been a crazy great thing so far, my friends. I'm so happy about it.
4. McKay has been doing so well in school. Every time he comes home from school I can tell he's satisfied with how things are going there. He's getting better and better and I'm really proud of him. He has a light that shines when he is drawing and it validates to me why we are here spending crazy amounts of money. It's all worth it. I know it.
5. I'm definitely a city girl. I was born in a great city and now I'm living in another great city. But that being said, I'm SO excited to come back home to Centerville to see all of you. I'll be home February 15. McKay will be in London still. I'm not sure when I can go back to England, but as soon as I figure out my visa situation I will be back.
In conclusion: I am happy. I'm writing more, I'm reading more, I'm singing more, I'm sketching designs more, I'm seeing things in a new light. I'm so grateful I've had this time to work on myself. I was in absolute hell and now I feel like I can handle things. Again, I'm not 100%, but I'm better and that's great for me.
Love,
your Emi
Birthdays
As a kid birthdays were my most favorite especially mine because it meant my family would show love and kindness on that day and all towards me. :) (I'm an attention whore if you didn't know this already lol)
But as I'm growing up my birthdays aren't seeming as important at all. I always try to hype myself up and get all excited but in the end, its just another birthday. Not that birthdays aren't great, but I think they are more important as a kid. Reasons being: 1) Your growing up and to more exciting things. 2) You have all your friends and family around. 3) You get sweet toys you get to play with all day long and do nothing more. 4) For me, I loved them most because my dad was always on his best behavior. As a grown up I don't think birthdays are going to be all that great. Reasons being: 1) growing older isn't that exciting now i've past the great 21. Turning 22 was only fun because I had TSwift's song to listen to and love. 3) All my friends are scattered in Utah/Europe so i won't be playing with them on my bday. 4) When your a grown up all you need is cash and don't really want/toys like you used to want. Thats boring.
I think i'm finally coming down from my birthday cloud i'd have every year. Birthdays don't mean a whole lot anymore. Not like anyone is going to surprise me, chase is all about low expectations so that when surprises or anything really comes it will mean a lot and stuff. He's lame. That would be really cool to wake up to him making me breakfast or me getting a new car. To make my bday special this year I have scheduled nails in the morning and a two hr massage in the afternoon. And then chase says we will watch movies and make home made pizza. OH BOY, I get to stay home...like I usually am. At least he's willing to make pizza with me.
I sound like such a downer. I'm sorry. Birthdays..I guess I can finally not give a bleep about them anymore. Butterflies are there but only because i make them be there. I feel like growing up you loose a little bit of the kid you were inside. It's sad and i miss that part of me. I always indulge myself in me nieces and nephews not only because i love them but because i envy them and want to be a kid again.
Growing up i've always fantasize about being older and being able to drive, kiss, go to college, get married, have kids and be a kid with them. As i've been growing older, I've learned that dreaming is worthless unless you have money. Didn't have money to finish college, don't have money to get married or have kids. Money $ Money $ Money $ Money $ Money What a dog eat dog world and I hate it.
I wish we could all be at Island View park playing and talking. I miss Emi Chan and being able to run down to her house. I miss sliding down the gobbles slide millions of times. I miss hanging out with Jessie in her awesome room(s) and watching TV with Becca in her house down stairs. I'm glad each of us loved each other and are such great friends.
Like Emi said, the second generation of the Girls Club has begun with Crystal and Jessie. YAY!! I hope we are all in each other lives...forever. Miss and love you all! XOXO
Kids
Hi Girlfriends,
I’ve been thinking a lot about family and childhood. The foundation of the rest of our lives gets built with the help of parents, siblings, and friends. We all definitely recognize that, I believe. We all know just how much our family shaped us and continues to shape us every single day. And we all know how important our healthy childhood friendships were. And that’s why we are all doing alright. We all have a whole lot of love around us, and have from the second we were born. I’m so grateful that so much of my childhood was spent doing really beautiful, positive things with you girls. We were so creative. So fun. So energetic, as a group. We did so much stuff, it’s unreal. We really lived as kids. We played. And our parents trusted us and our friends. We all had different relationships with each of our parents. Tammy and Curtis were parents to us all. We probably ate more of their food than anyone else’s. And they made us each feel at home. I just had this memory of dropping down a really cool clothes shoot. I think it was at Jo’s house. Like a hole in the ground in that closet. Dang, that was fun.
So anyways, I’m really grateful for the life I’ve lived so far. From age 3 I’ve known Crystal. I swear I remember Camille coming home from the hospital. She has always been the little sister I didn’t have. Jo had to have tested her way into the trio soon after that. Boy did we give her hell. Sorry Jo. That was weird of us/me, and I’m sorry. You were such a vital part of our group. Enter Becca when we’re both in preschool at Connie Krammer’s. I remember one time I called Becca (801.298.3602) when she lived in Bountiful, and we were super excited to play. She said “let me ask my mom” and in the background I could hear her start crying and yelling and being so sad and mad. Eventually Robin came to the phone and told me Becca can’t play today. I was so sad. And we couldn’t even text about it, we had to just know we were both so sad. Then Emi shows up and becomes each of our best friend. I think it’s so cool how Emi has always had a different relationship with each of us. I guess we all have different relationships, but Emi felt like the glue between all of our hard edges. You know what I mean?
And now, here we are, all in different places doing different things. It kinda seemed like we really would all stay right where we were. We have, in a sense. I doubt any of our families will ever leave Centerville. It’s our home. We all drive home, probably often. We drive up the church street to get home, the path we walked countless times. Or up Pages Lane, the gateway to Dicks. Or past the Cemetery, thinking every time of the people we know there. I’ve been thinking about Centerville a lot too - growing up in the suburbs. I love cities with all my heart now, so I don’t see myself ever living in a suburb, but who knows. I loved my childhood, and a suburb childhood is different than a city childhood. But what I’ve learned of city childhoods from my friends who grew up in one is that city childhood is awesome too. So while I’m grateful for my childhood, I recognize that I will be okay to do things differently in my life. That my kids will still have good friends, good experiences. Kids are kids all over the world.
I’ve been thinking about all this so much because life is taking another shift for me. I’m going to have one of these tiny kids for myself. My best friend and I have discovered we are pregnant. A Gilmore-Brewer hybrid will be joining us July 21st, give or take a day or three. I’ve always been a sucker for summer birthdays :) I found out in November, so I’ve had a couple months to process the news. Yesterday I was thinking about this little child and thought “Holy smokes, I am SO excited to be a mom. I’ve always wanted to be a mom. I wanted 9 to 11 kids. It used to be 8, but then Jordan Pitt said he wanted between 9 and 11 (this was in the 7th grade), so I realized I too wanted 9 to 11. These days I’m down to a more realistic 3 or 4, but I’ve always wanted those 3 or 4. I just haven’t known when, or with who.
I am so grateful to be with Dave for this. It feels weird, taking these new steps in a different order than we both expected, but we feel peaceful and confident about it. We love each other, and now that I’ve loved I can say I’ve never known love before. And having a baby growing inside of me does nothing but feed that love. It’s a wonderful thing. We plan to get married, but not soon. It will probably be in 2-5 years. We are in no rush. We are broke, as I’m sure we all are, and have no intention to bust out a half-planned marriage really quick. I’d rather die. But when we do marry, you’re all invited. Before then, you’re all invited to love my child, because I’m sure I’ll need help :)
I’m really so excited to hang out with a baby all day. Dave is working hard to support us, already. Since I moved home from Green River (in early December, largely because of this baby) I haven’t had a job. I’ve been living off of Dave. It is hard for me to combine finances so dependently. We’ve been taking care of each other since the day we met, but now we are doing so because we are a family, beginning in 6 months. I’m so grateful - it means I get to spend my time doing what I want to do. I’m helping Dave out a lot at the Collective, he needs the help, but I sleep when I want to (and boy did I sleep a lot the last couple months. Crystal, I’m sure you get it), and I work when I want to, and I report to my partner, who actually reports to me in this relationship. It’s nice to wear the pants, eh? Men are suckers for Women. The cuties.
We will probably post something online soon. We’ve been meaning to, but have been pretty swamped with stuff this month. So I wanted to tell you girls first, even though I should have posted something a month ago. We needed our own time to process this coming change, so it’s been really nice, actually. But it will be even nicer not keeping it a secret anymore. Secrets are hard to keep.
I love you all. I’m grateful for the influence you’ve had on me. I am not afraid of being a mom. I think it will be the best adventure I’ll ever have. Thanks for the love, all these years. I’d like to be a better friend this year. It’s hard for me, for some reason. I’m ultimately kind of a hermit. But I’m happy with it, so it’s a constant struggle. Anyways, I love you guys. I’m flying to New York today (thursday), so if you call or text I may not be around. I’d love to catch up, though. Maybe we could all try to post in the next few weeks. Post some stories, some hardships, some lessons learned and discoveries made. I’m sure we all have our struggles, we are all in our early twenties, and life is hard. So let’s share our stories more. We all have very different lives and have a lot to learn from each other.
Happy Thursday everyone. I love you.
Forever,
Jessie
I’ve been thinking a lot about family and childhood. The foundation of the rest of our lives gets built with the help of parents, siblings, and friends. We all definitely recognize that, I believe. We all know just how much our family shaped us and continues to shape us every single day. And we all know how important our healthy childhood friendships were. And that’s why we are all doing alright. We all have a whole lot of love around us, and have from the second we were born. I’m so grateful that so much of my childhood was spent doing really beautiful, positive things with you girls. We were so creative. So fun. So energetic, as a group. We did so much stuff, it’s unreal. We really lived as kids. We played. And our parents trusted us and our friends. We all had different relationships with each of our parents. Tammy and Curtis were parents to us all. We probably ate more of their food than anyone else’s. And they made us each feel at home. I just had this memory of dropping down a really cool clothes shoot. I think it was at Jo’s house. Like a hole in the ground in that closet. Dang, that was fun.
So anyways, I’m really grateful for the life I’ve lived so far. From age 3 I’ve known Crystal. I swear I remember Camille coming home from the hospital. She has always been the little sister I didn’t have. Jo had to have tested her way into the trio soon after that. Boy did we give her hell. Sorry Jo. That was weird of us/me, and I’m sorry. You were such a vital part of our group. Enter Becca when we’re both in preschool at Connie Krammer’s. I remember one time I called Becca (801.298.3602) when she lived in Bountiful, and we were super excited to play. She said “let me ask my mom” and in the background I could hear her start crying and yelling and being so sad and mad. Eventually Robin came to the phone and told me Becca can’t play today. I was so sad. And we couldn’t even text about it, we had to just know we were both so sad. Then Emi shows up and becomes each of our best friend. I think it’s so cool how Emi has always had a different relationship with each of us. I guess we all have different relationships, but Emi felt like the glue between all of our hard edges. You know what I mean?
And now, here we are, all in different places doing different things. It kinda seemed like we really would all stay right where we were. We have, in a sense. I doubt any of our families will ever leave Centerville. It’s our home. We all drive home, probably often. We drive up the church street to get home, the path we walked countless times. Or up Pages Lane, the gateway to Dicks. Or past the Cemetery, thinking every time of the people we know there. I’ve been thinking about Centerville a lot too - growing up in the suburbs. I love cities with all my heart now, so I don’t see myself ever living in a suburb, but who knows. I loved my childhood, and a suburb childhood is different than a city childhood. But what I’ve learned of city childhoods from my friends who grew up in one is that city childhood is awesome too. So while I’m grateful for my childhood, I recognize that I will be okay to do things differently in my life. That my kids will still have good friends, good experiences. Kids are kids all over the world.
I’ve been thinking about all this so much because life is taking another shift for me. I’m going to have one of these tiny kids for myself. My best friend and I have discovered we are pregnant. A Gilmore-Brewer hybrid will be joining us July 21st, give or take a day or three. I’ve always been a sucker for summer birthdays :) I found out in November, so I’ve had a couple months to process the news. Yesterday I was thinking about this little child and thought “Holy smokes, I am SO excited to be a mom. I’ve always wanted to be a mom. I wanted 9 to 11 kids. It used to be 8, but then Jordan Pitt said he wanted between 9 and 11 (this was in the 7th grade), so I realized I too wanted 9 to 11. These days I’m down to a more realistic 3 or 4, but I’ve always wanted those 3 or 4. I just haven’t known when, or with who.
I am so grateful to be with Dave for this. It feels weird, taking these new steps in a different order than we both expected, but we feel peaceful and confident about it. We love each other, and now that I’ve loved I can say I’ve never known love before. And having a baby growing inside of me does nothing but feed that love. It’s a wonderful thing. We plan to get married, but not soon. It will probably be in 2-5 years. We are in no rush. We are broke, as I’m sure we all are, and have no intention to bust out a half-planned marriage really quick. I’d rather die. But when we do marry, you’re all invited. Before then, you’re all invited to love my child, because I’m sure I’ll need help :)
I’m really so excited to hang out with a baby all day. Dave is working hard to support us, already. Since I moved home from Green River (in early December, largely because of this baby) I haven’t had a job. I’ve been living off of Dave. It is hard for me to combine finances so dependently. We’ve been taking care of each other since the day we met, but now we are doing so because we are a family, beginning in 6 months. I’m so grateful - it means I get to spend my time doing what I want to do. I’m helping Dave out a lot at the Collective, he needs the help, but I sleep when I want to (and boy did I sleep a lot the last couple months. Crystal, I’m sure you get it), and I work when I want to, and I report to my partner, who actually reports to me in this relationship. It’s nice to wear the pants, eh? Men are suckers for Women. The cuties.
We will probably post something online soon. We’ve been meaning to, but have been pretty swamped with stuff this month. So I wanted to tell you girls first, even though I should have posted something a month ago. We needed our own time to process this coming change, so it’s been really nice, actually. But it will be even nicer not keeping it a secret anymore. Secrets are hard to keep.
I love you all. I’m grateful for the influence you’ve had on me. I am not afraid of being a mom. I think it will be the best adventure I’ll ever have. Thanks for the love, all these years. I’d like to be a better friend this year. It’s hard for me, for some reason. I’m ultimately kind of a hermit. But I’m happy with it, so it’s a constant struggle. Anyways, I love you guys. I’m flying to New York today (thursday), so if you call or text I may not be around. I’d love to catch up, though. Maybe we could all try to post in the next few weeks. Post some stories, some hardships, some lessons learned and discoveries made. I’m sure we all have our struggles, we are all in our early twenties, and life is hard. So let’s share our stories more. We all have very different lives and have a lot to learn from each other.
Happy Thursday everyone. I love you.
Forever,
Jessie
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)