My really awesome brain

Hey bffs, how's it going? So I'm here to talk a little bit about what is going on with me. I've been home for a few months now and I have to say it's been a blessing. I was able to go to Tyler's college graduation which really meant a lot to me and I'm sure it meant a lot to him too. I've just been able to be there more for my family and even though it's heartbreaking to be away from McKay, I have loved my time here so far. I've never felt so needed by my family. I'm the type of girl who always tries to fly under the radar (as my therapist says) and that's how it's always been ever since I was a kid. I never got in trouble or did "bad" things because I didn't want to be noticed or have negative attention on me. But since I've been home my family has told me a lot how glad they are to have me back and how much they've missed me. Even you guys have said that to me and it makes me so happy and feel needed, so thank you. 

I've been going to therapy for about 5 weeks now. I'm SO glad I decided to do it. I've been wanting to go for over a year, but I've always been scared of what my parents would say or think. I didn't really tell them I was struggling last year. Again, flying under the radar. But a couple months ago I had a huge melt down and my parents were really supportive and even suggested that I talk to a therapist. I think you all know that my dad has depression so for the first time that was a comfort to me to know that he knew what I was going through. It took me a good month or so to get the courage to even email her, but I'm happy I did. 

I've also been going to Recovery at the Centerville library that Judy conducts and she also holds a sort of LDS version of recovery every week at her house too. It's helped me a lot in what it means to use the gospel in my life. The biggest thing I'm learning/struggling with is loving myself the way God loves me. And not only myself but loving others around me (friends, family, stupid drivers, EVERYONE) the way God loves them. 

So "what's """wrong""" with me?" -- that's a good question! I haven't really known until I started going to therapy. I have anxiety and a bit of depression. I say "a bit" because I see my dad as having it full blown and I know I'm not there on his level. I have really mean voices in my head that tell me I'm stupid, fat, ugly, worthless (that one's a big one), etc. over and over again and some days it's quiet, but other days it's like they're full on screaming in my brain. That usually makes me crawl up in a ball and stay in bed and cry/sleep/do nothing for hours. I have anxiety which keeps me up half the night--my mind is constantly racing and worried and stressed and nervous. I have social anxiety so in certain social situations I get really panicky and shut down. If you've ever seen me in a group setting and I don't say a single word, that's probably why. It's the major reason why I'm not going to the first half of church right now. I've noticed that even having to say my name when we're going around the room introducing ourselves in a class makes my heart race and palms sweaty and I get really shaky and nervous. It's crazy, but it's so automatic. It's also the reason why I don't have a job/ haven't had a lot of jobs.

**Here is a typical situation when I try to apply for jobs: I'll go to the area where the job is, drive around for a few minutes (at this point my heart starts beating really fast and usually I'll go home and try another day) and if I do get enough courage, I'll park the car and force myself to get out. I'll walk in (then sometimes at this point I'll pretend I'm a customer, look around then leave) and go straight to the desk and ask for an application (heart pounding, mind racing, body sweating and/or shaking).  After that I'll go home and feel exhausted. BUT it's not over yet. I'll sit down to fill out the application (name, address, phone, easy) and the farther I get into filling it out the more anxious and sad I get (This is when my depression voices kick in "They're going to think I'm an idiot. Why would they hire me? I'm not good enough for the job. Who do you think you are trying to apply for this job anyway? I'm a complete fraud etc.) Are you exhausted reading this yet? Then it's another battle to even go back and turn it in. There have been so many half filled job applications in my trash can, it's quite silly. So don't think I'm simply too lazy to get a job. It's a huge struggle for me to even apply. BUT when I do get an interview or the actual job, I'm fine. I actually perform really well in my jobs even if it is in a social setting.**

This last therapy session that I had, I learned that I get panic attacks. I've never quite known what they were or if I had them, but now that I look back through my life I can label them as something real. Therapy is nice because I get labeled which sounds strange, but I finally know what's "wrong" with me and what things that I'm feeling are called. YOU MEAN THEY HAVE ACTUAL NAMES?! HOW AWESOME! FINALLY. 

Anyway, there's a lot more to it and if I tried to explain it all it would take days, but in a huge nutshell that is some of what I'm going through. I'm also talking out a lot stuff from my childhood that I've experienced and how it's affecting me now as an adult. Recovery is helping me deal with things that happen to me with other people (if someone offends me or makes me mad or really sad) and the LDS recovery thing is helping me think more positively and giving me hope.

I'm not writing this to get pity or have you girls feel bad for me. I just want you to know what's going on and what I'm doing with my life right now. I know it'll be a lifelong struggle to get over these things and maybe someday I will feel complete peace with myself, but for now I'm working on it and I feel good doing it. London was a wonderful break from life and a great distraction, but now that I'm back in the "real world" I've learned that I need to take care of this now while I'm here. I spend my days going to the library, going to stores, spending time with my parents or friends, skyping McKay, traveling, baking, and going to my sister in law's house to play with her kids. Basically different distractions to help my mind to not go into a downward spiral. It's great! I've had a great couple of weeks. 

Lastly, I want to let you all know how much you mean to me. YOU MATTER TO ME. I am so thankful to have you girls as my friends and that I can feel safe sharing this with you. Not a lot of people know what I'm going through (not even my own brother) and it feels so good to be honest with you. AHHHHH we can take a breath now. I love you so much individually. You each have a special place in my heart forever. I love you.

Fewf, if you read this far say 'cookies are awesome' in the comments below so I know you made it.